I’M NEVER SMOKING AGAIN!

 I’M NEVER SMOKING AGAIN! I will swear before a court of law if I have to. That thing almost killed me! And that saying about a problem shared being half solved…Lie from the pit of hellfire!
    So this is what happened. I had just come back from work where my boss almost bit my head off for not reaching the monthly quota for new customers in the bank. It wasn’t that the shouting fest was new, I had come to see it as part of my job description – ‘Capable of withstanding insults from the boss on a weekly basis’. So yes, after I had slaved away at the office and received countless insults; I returned home with my frustrations. Just as I dropped what was left of myself on the couch, my phone vibrated. It was Adia. Now that I think about it, she was the trigger to my very rapid downward spiral. Why couldn’t she have called any other day to chastise me for “stalking her?” I had to endure yet another shouting match with her going on about how I needed to leave her alone or she would put a call through to her brother-in-law, the General if I didn’t leave her alone. I did not realize waiting for a girl outside her gate for a few hours was a Federal Offence.  
    After Adia’s call, Helium, my neighbour from down the hall, knocked on my door. His real name was Folabi but because he was always high, the people on my floor had nicknamed him ‘helium’ and the name had stuck. I must have been really down because for the first time I let Helium into my flat and even started discussing my problems with him. I told him everything – from Adia’s rejection, to my financial problems. I even told him about the unending family drama. He was surprisingly very sympathetic. Somewhere in between all this, we ended up in his flat. In a bid to cheer me up I presume, he revealed his drug stash. Helium was a pro in his field. All his drugs were neatly arranged. Weed had a section, the little cocaine and ecstasy he had were neatly arranged too. He even had smaller compartments for the different grades. He had some other things wrapped up that I couldn’t recognize. I was curious enough to try the one he said was harmless, then brave enough to try the one he claimed would make me calm, then I was stupid enough to mix a few other things even when Helium was warned me against it in between bouts of laughter.
   That was about the last clear memory I have; everything else was told to me. According to Helium, I passed out on the bed shortly after and he went across the road to buy me apple juice to help kill my high but when he got back all he found were my shoes and my shirt lying on the floor.
    A few of my friends and coworkers have come to visit me in the hospital. Others have called to say they saw someone who looked like me screaming for people to go and open accounts at YNC Bank and shoving my ID card in the faces of pedestrians. Some others say they saw me tearing my trousers ever so daintily and passing out the shreds to passersby with a big smile plastered across my face. I refuse to agree that I did any of those things. The man who smoked himself to temporal insanity wasn’t me.
  The doctor says I will be discharged tomorrow and he has also given me permission to resume work. Hopefully, the marketing they claimed I did on the highway brought in enough customers to help me keep my job.
NKY OTIKE-ODIBI
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