AS A RESULT OF THE NEW LAW BANNING SAME SEX MARRIAGE, THE LEGAL WATCHMEN ADVISE THAT:
Girls should no longer do the following:
1. Address fellow girls as ‘dearie, sweetie, my lovie, girlfriend mi,’ etc. These names may be misconstrued by some overzealous law enforcement olopa. Henceforth, girls shall be addressed by fellow girls by their proper names….Esther, Bola, Nkechi, etc.
2. Girls shall no longer hug, blow kisses, hold hands, or engage in any body contact with fellow girls. If you are caught, the “evidence” would be worse than calling her pet names. Only handshakes and eyebrow wiggles are now allowed.
Girls shall also cease to send smileys like hearts, kisses, hugs to other girls in order to guarantee their continued freedom.
3. Dancing together at parties is now forbidden. If you see your female friend especially in public places, please refrain from excitedly waving at her. A Queen-Elizabeth happiness- deficient wave will do. If anyone does otherwise to you, please summarily ignore her, otherwise the consequences would be grievous.
4. In the event that you want to proclaim your love for fellow girl, please do well to add the word “agape” at the end. You are advised to precipitously end any friendship with anyone who refuses to do same. Thus, except you want to share the same room with her at the Kiri- kiri Maximum Security Prison, you are to profess your love as I LOVE YOU AGAPELY.
5. It is now dangerous for roommates to share bathroom. Please wait until your roomie is through or you can find somewhere else to have your bath.
6. Girls Night Out and sleepovers are hereby banned. Stay in your Respective hostels so you can still have your continued liberty. If wish to visit a friend who resides in off campus and she has no guest room, please carry along your mattresses and room dividers.
7. No more cash gifts; it might be misconstrued as a lover’s gift.
I trust you will abide by these new resolutions. Fourteen years is a long time, except you plan on being a Mandela…
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