GRAND COMMANDER OF THE ORDER OF DARKNESS

Today, we shall be taking a course in Electrical and Electronics Engineering (Elect/Elect). We shall be focusing solely on the most minor source of electricity in Nigeria: the Public Power Sector.
NEPA, the giver and taker of light, the sole administrator for night marauders and protector of all evils is the public agency in charge of electricity distribution in Nigeria (let’s call them NEPA for now). Recent studies indicate that NEPA is one of the most popular agencies in Nigeria. In fact, I am jealous of NEPA’s popularity because hardly a day goes by without people discussing them. My little cousins’ first words in this world was “UP NEPA!” Can you imagine? This girl that had refused to talk for nearly eight months suddenly shouted those magic words about a month ago when NEPA decided to prove their power. And then you can imagine her disappointment when they then took the light barely two minutes later.

The history of NEPA can be traced back to the end of the 19th century when the first generating power plant was installed in Lagos in 1898. Then in 1950, the Electricity Corporation of Nigeria (NEPA’s father) passed an ordinance (whatever that means) with which they were married to the Niger Damn Authority (I mean Niger DAM Authority).  Imagine, it took 23 years before this marriage finally produced a child. The parents had to visit different Babalawos before one powerful Alfa in Ogun State was able to break this barrenness. Thus, ECN and NDA gave birth to NEPA on January 6, 1973.

Then in 1989, under Gen. Ibrahim Babangida, several private investors began to toast NEPA. But most of these private investors were only interested in getting into her pants, and only a few were actually interested in marrying her. But Ibrahim Babngida, who was NEPA’s guardian at that time (her parents ECN and NDA were dead) did not want anyone messing with   NEPA, so he passed a decree, stating that the monopoly of all commercial electricity supply shall be enjoyed by NEPA to the exclusion of all other organisations.
In 2005, Obasanjo began to receive gifts from different men who were interested in NEPA. You see, NEPA was enjoying so great a monopoly of darkness that business men began to get concerned and then they tried using gifts to get the Commander-in-Chief to opt for privatisation. Plans for privatisation started under Obasanjo’s tenure. In April, NEPA officially changed their name from NEVER EXPECT POWER ALWAYS to PROBLEM HAS CHANGED HANDS (PHCN) by which it is known today. The real reason for this change of name is to minimise the abuses that Nigerians heap on them daily. PHCN is a four syllabic word while the pronunciation of NEPA is two-syllabic. This means that it takes twice the effort to say PHCN than to say NEPA. Thus, when they ‘take’ light, and you want to abuse them for their callousness, it will sound somewhat stressful to say “God punish PHCN”. I am sure that the collective insults from Nigerians around the country must have taken its toll on their officials before they sought for spiritual help where it was revealed that their name is the major cause of their bad luck. Thus they decided to change their name to PHCN in 2005. This change of name was accompanied by a change in management, and the Director General of this darkness producing company was changed to an Ijebu man (you know how Ijebu people like holding things like aka gum). This Ijebu Director General brought in his kinsmen to head the Electricity Distribution Division in the company. The switchboard operators were also changed to Ijebus. Those who were not Ijebus by origin but managed to be employed were made to swear an oath as a prerequisite to their employment that they must perform up to their nomenclature to hold power constantly, even when is cheaper to release it…

It seems that the time allotted for this lecture is over. So we will have to adjourn this class till next week.

IMPORTANT: This article is devoid of any intention to malign any ethnic group or group of persons in this country. All references to ethnic groups are mainly for humour.
Abeg… make una hear ooo. Before one badbelle go carry me go court.  

I am oluwanonso_Esq on Twitter.

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